And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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