Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
