All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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