I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize