I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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