this beer tastes like vomit already
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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