Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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