Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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