i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
