my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
