dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
