Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
