I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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