wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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