I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
