Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
