if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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