I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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