I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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