I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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