So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
