I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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