Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize