Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
