I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
