Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
