He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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