Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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