guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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