I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
