Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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