so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
