im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
