Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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