I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
