I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
