Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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