The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
how does that bad decision feel?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
