I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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