glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
