I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
