What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize