i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
