I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
