btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
