you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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