At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
