he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
