So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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