it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize