She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
