My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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