im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
