haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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