o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
