Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
