You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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