I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
