I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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