Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
