then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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